BREAK A PAW

March 30, 2010, Vol. 1, No. 12


CONTENTS
(in scroll-down order)

THE BEARS OF WALDEN PUDDLE
by Dr. Ursula Whipple
"When you wrestle bears," says Dr. Whipple, "it can change you for life." Emergency room physicians would agree.

BREAK A PAW
by the Walden Puddle Writers Uncooperative
The Rev. Alvin Bisonnette is auditioning singing dogs for his musical, and getting nowhere fast. He's ready to throw in the towel, when in through the door ... walks ... Max.

THE TALK OF WALDEN PUDDLE
reportage from the Agreeable Doughnut Cafe
To make it in theater, sometimes you have to "get yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again." The Rev. Alvin Bisonnette has extensive experience at all of the above.


THE BEARS OF
WALDEN PUDDLE
Notes from the Field, Plus Expert Advice

by Dr. Ursula Whipple

Field Notes: March 24, 2010. Alonzo's first skating lesson did not go as planned, seeing as how he fell through the ice. Alonzo is out on the porch now, shaking his fist at me through the window. His body language suggests that he is pissed off.

I admit I was careless. I tested the ice myself first, and it held up real well for me. But I forgot to factor in that Alonzo weighs 790 pounds. That's more than 10 Nancy Kerrigans. God, how I hate that girl. What a crybaby she was. I was on Tonya Harding's side.

Which brings me to the topic of bear wrestling.

I have noticed that all over New England every summer, they run specialty camps for children who were raised by British nannies. Computer camps. Poetry camps. Ecology camps. Drama camps. You name it. If you've got the money, honey, somebody's got the time for your little Yuppie.

To capitalize on this trendy phenomenon, I have decided to start a Bear Wrestling Camp.

In my opinion, many children from well-to-do families would benefit from learning how to wrestle bears. It builds character, for one, and it looks good on your college application. Especially at places like Harvard or Princeton, where a kid has to grab the attention of some extremely jaded people.

Dr. Jake Larson, one of my professors at Central Montana Normal, used to wrestle bears on the side. He is a real pro, and he knows all the tricks. He is also flat broke like me. He was happy to sign on for the summer as my Head Counselor.

I am putting Alonzo's ice-skating lessons on hold. My next project is to train Alonzo to get along with children from the Upper West Side. I will used straw-filled dummies dressed in J. Crew knock-offs to get him used to the look, and to some degree the personality.

Before I go, I would be remiss if I did not share a few bear wrestling tips with you.

(1) Before stepping into the ring to wrestle a bear, always shoot him in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.

(2) Make sure he is securely muzzled.

(3) When the bear is unable to move, jump on him and apply headlocks, hammerlocks, and other wrestling holds.

(4) Pretend like you are punching him, but do not actually hit him, because you do not want to wake him up.

(5) Yell very loudly, "You give? You give, bear? You had enough? Huh? Say Uncle! Say Uncle!"

(6) Have an accomplice in the audience yell, "Yes, I give, O fearless human dominator! I give! I give! Have mercy! Ouch! That hurts! Uncle! Uncle!"

(7) Now you have won. Jump to your feet and point to the sky, like the football players do, to indicate, "Thank you, Lord, for helping me score that touchdown, or in this case, kick the ass of this bear." Pointing upward and thanking God for a sports achievement plays well with the Bible-thumpers, who make up 95 percent of the crowd at bear-wrestling events. The rest is mostly drunken frat boys.

(8) If the bear begins to stir, leave the ring immediately.

Once when I was doing my thesis out in Montana, I asked Jake, who was my thesis adviser, whether bear wrestling matches are fixed, as some people claim.

"No," he said. "They are not."

Since Jake is a professional bear wrestler who has risked his life many times in the ring, one has to believe him.

Dr. Ursula Whipple is a freelance animal behaviorist and a contributing editor of Walden Puddle. Since 1990, she has lived in an abandoned cabin near town, studying the local bear population and being studied by them in turn. Often referred to, by herself and her mother, as the "Jane Goodall of the North Woods," she shares her field notes with us twice monthly, because no scholarly journal will publish them.


BREAK A PAW
(from The Walden Puddle Chronicles)
1,179 words

by the Walden Puddle Writers Uncooperative

Chris the lawyer and Manu the Three-Star Chef were the only respectable couple in Walden Puddle. Their sons, Manuel and Gabe, were the only students at Walden Puddle High School who had any hope of a college scholarship. At one point, the town council of Copious Falls had even tried to get the family to relocate.

"What are nice folks like you doing in Walden Puddle?" the delegation from Copious Falls asked.

"Minding our own business," said Chris the Lawyer.

"Go back to Copious Falls, you elitists," said Manu the Chef.

"We'd rather live among regular people ..." said Chris the Lawyer.

"... than among insufferable snobs like you," said Manu the Chef.

Chris and Manu's was not a blind devotion to Walden Puddle. Having committed to living there, they understood the consequences ... like the flyers they kept receiving from the Walden Puddle Church of the Definitely Saved. The flyers read:


SINGING DOGS WANTED
TENORS ONLY


The flyers went on to explain that the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette had "cleaned up" Oedipus Rex, which he regarded as "filthy and unwholesome," and turned it into a "family-oriented musical romp," which he had renamed Oedipus Rex for Christians.

"My version," wrote Rev. Bisonnette, "is about a cat named Eddie and a dog named Rex. They travel around the country in a sanctified RV driven by an angel, and if they see a sinner they attack him, but if you're one of the saved, they lick your hand and do tricks for you."

Rev. Bisonnette concluded, "The musical contains two show-stoppers for the dog, who has to be able to hit a High C with good bladder control. If your dog can sing 'God on High' from Les Miserables ... or 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' ... come on by. We'd love to hear him."

Naturally, Chris and Manu found the whole thing preposterous. At the same time, they were madly in love with Max, their beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog, and here was a chance to show Max off to the whole town.

One night at dinner, Chris said to Manu, "Look, we both know that dogs can't sing. But I've got an idea."


Meanwhile, at the Walden Puddle Church of the Definitely Saved, the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette was having serious casting problems. He had received only one response to his flyer. Every day at noon, Martha Gingrich, the owner of Walden Puddle Slide Rule Repair, came by with her Weimaraner, Axel.

It was noon. On cue, Martha and Axel walked into Rev. Bisonnette's office.

"And what will you be singing for us today, Axel?" asked Rev. Bisonnette.

"He'll be singing 'The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down,'" said Martha. "Hit it, Axel!"

Axel sang, "Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woooooh.... Woo-woo-woo-woo ... Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-wooooooooohhhhhhh...."

"Idiot!" Martha hissed. "It goes, Nahhhh-nahhh-nahhh-nahhh-nahhh-nahhhhhh..... Nah-nah-nah-nah .... Nah-nah-nah-nah-naahhhhhhh....."

"Thank you, Axel. We'll be in touch," said Rev. Bisonnette.

Axel urinated on Rev. Bisonnette's stamp collection.

"See you tomorrow, Reverend," said Martha.


The next day, Martha and Axel walked into Rev. Bisonnette's office at noon.

"And what will you be singing for us today, Axel?" asked Rev. Bisonnette.

"Today he'll be singing 'The Boxer,'" said Martha.

"That's cute," said Rev. Bisonnette. "One dog singing about another dog."

"It's the Paul Simon song," Martha huffed. "About a pugilist."

"I knew that," lied Rev. Bisonnette.

"Hit it, Axel!" Martha commanded.

Axel sang, "Woo-woo-woo... Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.... Woo-woo-woo.... Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woowoowoowoo-wooooohhhh."

"Idiot!" Martha hissed. "It goes, Lie-luh-lie... Lie-luh-lie-lie-lie-luh-lie... Lie-luh-lie... Lie-luh-lie-lie-lie-luh-lie-la-la-la-la-liehhhhhhhh...."

"Thank you, Axel. We'll be in touch," said Rev. Bisonnette.

Axel urinated on what was left of Rev. Bisonnette's stamp collection.

"I said thank you, Axel. We'll be in touch," Rev. Bisonnette repeated firmly.

Axel urinated on Rev. Bisonnette's ankles.

"The Lord just don't like me," said Rev. Bisonnette as Martha and Axel made their exit. "Like that time in Atlantic City when I needed to roll a hard four and He refused to help." Rev. Bisonnette sighed. "I'm packing it in. What ain't meant to be ... ain't meant to be." He started to write a press release announcing the cancellation of his show.

At that moment, Chris and Manu walked in with Max.

"Another singing dog, I presume?" said Rev. Bisonnette.

"Nope," said Chris.

"Then why are you here?"

"We've taught him," said Manu, "to lip-synch."

Chris switched on a tape recorder. Rev. Bisonnette's jaw dropped as Max, with perfectly timed lip movements, appeared ... very convincingly ... to be singing

Sheh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ree-uhh bay-ay-ay-beee ...
Sheh-eh-eh-eh-eh-reee ...
Can you come out tonight?

Why don't you come out ... with your red dress on?
Come out ... when the bright moon shines.
Come out ... we're gonna dance the night away.
I'm gonna make-uh you-uh my-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ine.

Sheh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ree-uhhh bay-ay-ay-ay-beee ....

"Say Hallelujah and pass the collection plate! I've heard enough!" shouted Rev. Bisonnette. "For a minute there, I thought he was Frankie Valli!"

"Does that mean we get the part?" asked Chris.

"Do you get the part?" said Rev. Bisonnette. "Do the Mormons make money? Lady, we ... are ... in ... show bidness! First rehearsal ... nine a.m.! Tomorrow!"


Tomorrow came, as it often does.

The first rehearsal of Oedipus Rex for Christians was going well. Lip-synching to a tape, Max was belting out his show-stoppers flawlessly. And then it happened ...

A shop steward for stagehands from the Walden Puddle Festival of the Reasonably Lively Arts walked into the rehearsal hall.

"Are y'all using non-union labor?" he asked Rev. Bisonnette with a hint of menace.

"I certainly am," said Rev. Bisonnette. "You union stagehands are all sinners!"

An argument ensued, with the shop steward quoting liberally from his anthology of four-letter words, and Rev. Bisonnette quoting inaccurately from the Old Testament.

As they argued, Max walked over and licked the shop steward's hand.

"He licked his hand!" Rev. Bisonnette shouted in disgust. "This dog licked this sinner's hand!"

"He does that all the time," said Chris. "He loves everybody."

"He loves everybody? But that ain't Christian!" thundered Rev. Bisonnette. "This man's a sinner! And a Teamster on top of it!"

"We can't stop him. He just loves people," said Manu, as Max wandered around the rehearsal hall, licking, in order, the hands of a work-released convict who had just delivered coffee from the Agreeable Doughnut; a couple of "working girls" from Diamond Lil's who had stopped by to witness the rumored "miracle"; and a recovering addict who had mistaken the Church of the Definitely Saved for a normal house of worship offering 12-step programs.

"Stop licking them sinners, dog! You're supposed to attack them!" thundered Rev. Bisonnette.

Max licked the addict's hand again.

"You are way off script, dog! Stop it! Or I'll fire you on the spot!"

Max licked the hands of Diamond Lil's working girls.

"Stop doing that, dog! Or I'll ruin you! You'll never work in this town again!"

Max licked the shop steward's hand.

"Quit licking them sinners, dog! It ain't the Christian way!"

Max licked the convict's hand.

"Cease! I command thee! Thou Hound of Perdition!"

Chris whispered something to Manu.

"Thank you, Reverend," said Chris. "I think we'll just go now."

As they were leaving, Max licked the hand of the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette.


"Well?" demanded Gabe and Manuel when their parents got home. "How did Max do?"

"He was great. Perfect lip-synch. Even better than Sinatra after he lost his voice ..."

"Yay-y-y!"

"But he got fired. Or maybe he quit. Hard to tell."

"Awww," said the boys. "How come?"

"Artistic differences with the director," said Manu.

"And theological," said Chris.


For the beer-stained story of how the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette became a man of the cloth in the first place, go to Page 1 of Walden Puddle, located at http://OnWaldenPuddle.blogspot.com and scroll down to the November 26, 2009, issue.

For another helping of Rev. Bisonnette's sinners-be-damned pastoral style, see his powerful Christmas Sermon in "The Talk of Walden Puddle" in the December 26, 2009, issue. It's at the bottom of Page 2, when you click http://OnWaldenPuddle2.blogspot.com.

Meanwhile, in what's often called real life, Manu and Chris are still working unreasonably long hours, Manuel and Gabe are still getting clobbered by an unreasonable amount of homework, and Max is still enjoying life as a member of the leisure class.


THE TALK OF
WALDEN PUDDLE
On April 5, in the basement of the Lending Library, Mr. Rudolf Frammstock, chairman of the English Department at Walden Puddle High School, will read excerpts from his new epic poem "A Norse Is a Norse, of Course, of Course." Mr. Frammstock models all his work on the Icelandic sagas.

"I find them catchy," he said.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the Agreeable Doughnut, we spied the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette scribbling furiously on a legal pad. "I'm writing another musical," he told us. "Once the theater bug has bit you, you stay bit for life."

For his new project, Rev. Bisonnette plans to "depaganize yet another theatrical abomination and make it suitable for family viewing. I am turning the most evil play ever written into a lighthearted Christian romp."

Which play?

"I'm not divulging," said Rev. Bisonnette. "I will only say that my show is about a dog named Mack and a cat named Beth. They travel around the country in a sanctified RV driven by an angel, and if they see a sinner they attack him, but if you're saved ..."

He's rewriting Macbeth?

"How'd you know that!" Rev. Bisonnette demanded. "Yes, I am, big-mouth. It's a detestable piece of theater. And they study it in high school! And on Wall Street! You know the worst thing about that play? It's the woman who wears the pants in the family! The Lord hates that!"

Will there be a singing dog?

"You bet there will. A baritone this time. I've had it with tenors."



NEXT POST: April 15, 2010

Special Late Tax Filing Issue

FEATURING: Take your mind off your taxes with "The Census Meets the Senseless." Every 10 years, at Census time, Walden Puddlers panic. This year, the government really gives them something to panic about.

THE BEAR FACTS: It occurs to Dr. Whipple that she has no idea exactly how many bears live on her property. How much money they make. How many appliances they own. Et cetera.

BONUS ITEM: For the 40th consecutive year, Art Garfunkel refuses to play the Walden Puddle Festival of the Reasonably Lively Arts.


Editor's Note: You're on Page 3 of Walden Puddle, the most current. For Page 1, which contains Posts 1 through 5, click http://onwaldenpuddle.blogspot.com/. For Page 2, and Posts 6 through 10, click http://onwaldenpuddle2.blogspot.com/. If you're new to Walden Puddle, we hope you'll pay a visit to both.

All printed matter in this issue of Walden Puddle copyright © 2010 Walden Puddle Gift Shop. All rights reserved. All photographs reproduced with permission. Original artwork courtesy of Aytsan.